


Dare to Believe

by TheLadyMerlin



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Alternate Universe, Community: tamingthemuse, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-13
Updated: 2014-01-13
Packaged: 2018-01-08 14:59:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1134047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLadyMerlin/pseuds/TheLadyMerlin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An emotionally damaged Spike finds it so hard to believe....</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dare to Believe

**Title:** Dare to Believe  
 **Author:** The Lady Merlin  
 **Rating:** NC17  
 **Warnings:** none  
 **Pairing:** Spike/Xander  
 **Prompt:** Community: Taming the Muse #390 Keloid  
 **Chapter:** 1/1  
 **Status:** complete  
 **Fandom:** BtVS  
 **Genre:** AU  
 **Beta (s):** none, proofread  
 **Disclaimer:** not mine, all belongs to Joss  
 **Graphic:** none  
 **Summary:** An emotionally damaged Spike finds it so hard to believe....  
 **A/N:** Just a little story while I'm getting my notes and thoughts together for Book lll – A Sire's Family

 

Spike leaned closer, gasping with pleasure when Xander's hands tightened on the finger-shaped bruises on Spike's hips. He rocked back and forth on the hard cock buried deep inside him, moaning when his sore, reddened arse rubbed against Xander's hips. The sting and prickles of pain reminding him how much he was loved and cherished. 

Spike loved that Xander was bigger than he was, but he'd also once hated it with a passion. He revelled in being so overwhelmed by his lover that there could be no mistaking the love in each stroke and movement. It was something Spike had struggled to remember. They had both struggled with...

Spike hated being needy and weak. His human body unable to do the things he wanted. Oh, there were plenty of bonuses, too. Xander being one of them. They had both been wandering around Slayer HQ feeling adrift, useless, unneeded. Xander easily recognising the haunted look in Spike's eyes for what it was before Spike even knew there was a problem. 

What surprised Spike even more was that Xander cared enough to do something about it. To offer not only a hand in friendship but to make Spike take a good long look at his self destructive behaviour before it was too late. Before he managed to ruin the one good thing he'd found since the day he'd died and been reborn in some dirty alley in LA.

The intimacy came later and was comfortable and easy. Until it wasn't. Spike hated to put Xander through this. He could see the hurt in Xander's eyes when the boy would declare his love and Spike doubted. He couldn't seem to help it. Xander was the last bloody person on the planet he wanted to hurt in any way. But dammit, it was so fuckin' hard to believe. Why would anyone want someone as obviously damaged and fucked up as a once vampire turned human. One who had been trained by Angelus to crave the pain. 

Xander had taken in him when no one else did. When no one else cared. That alone should be proof enough. He so desperately wanted it to be. The nasty truth was entirely different. 

Spike simply had to push and push, making Xander flush with anger and finally strike out. The punch had knocked Spike flat. He lay there looking up at the wetness starting to pool in Xander's eyes, while his jaw throbbed and knew this wasn't going to work. 

He loved Xander with an intensity which still surprised him. It was that love which made him agree to seek out some help. But if Spike was going? Xander was damn well going, too. It had been easier than he thought. The scars they both carried were ugly and keloid from years of careless words and gestures. Spike thought if the Scoobies knew, they would swarm around their boy and lavish him with the affection Spike knew he rightly deserved. 

There was a hollowness in the harsh reality of knowing that the same couldn't be said for him. Although, Xander tried to reassure him it wasn't true. Spike knew in his now beating heart he would never amount to anything. Never be truly worthy of anyone's affection, never mind Xander's. But Spike was still a selfish bastard at heart and he was loathe to give up their relationship and walk away when he knew he should.

Of course, therapy had led to inadvertent confessions and it still surprised Spike that Xander hadn't simply gotten up and walked out of the office never to be seen again. That night, after touching the surface of his need and fucked up emotions, Xander insisted they talk. Spike had been grateful for the dark in which he could hide and tentatively began to speak, feeling Xander's arms around him, holding securely. It had been a relief to get it all out. Spike hated feeling so out of control and unable to stop himself from pushing for what he needed instead of asking. Explaining about his relationships as a vampire was something he had no desire to repeat, but it appeared to make Xander understand. 

The arguments. Spike claiming, “You can't love me. I'm not good enough. I'll ruin you.”

His wonderful stubborn Xander not letting him get away with any of that shit. “Shut up Spike. Just shut up. That's Angel talking and I won't listen to it. You hear me!”

Hating himself for needing something he barely understood, hating the words coming out of his mouth. Pushing, pushing. Wanting needing and terrified to ask, afraid Xander wouldn't understand. More pushing until the inevitable happened. 

Spike at a loss not knowing how to explain his need. Xander saying I love you and Spike wanting so desperately to believe that this was real. That it wasn't like all the other times.

It was easy for Spike to fall back on old habits learned from the violent relationships of his past. It was completely normal for vampires, but Spike wasn't a vampire any more. A fact which he was reminded of every time he waded in over his head, which was becoming less and less frequent. His body remembered how to respond, how to kick, punch and he finally learned how to simply trust his instincts and let his body move. He also learned when to walk away and was learning when to ask for help. When that demon was just a bit too tough, a bit too hard to kill. Yeah, he was learning...

“I love you,” Xander said on a breathless whisper.

Spike opened his mouth, desperately wanting to believe, but the doubt lurking around the corners of his mind seeped out and made him involuntary stiffen in Xander's arms. “Love you,” he said.

Xander's eyes narrowed and Spike knew he hadn't been fooled in the least. After all the therapy and talking, Xander would have to be an idiot not to spot the signs. “Say it,” Xander demanded, thrusting up inside and grazing Spike's sweet spot and smiling at the moan his move produced. “Tell me you believe me.”

“I...” Spike shook his head.

Xander's grip got tighter, his thrusts harder. “Tell me,” he demanded again. 

The pain crackled over his raw nerves and Spike was helpless and hopeful all at the same time. “I believe you,” Spike gasped, blissful and happy. Each time it was easier, took a bit less to get to this moment. It took that much less out of his Xander, who hated to hurt Spike this way, in any way. But also loved Spike enough to give him what he needed. “I believe,” Spike repeated, his eyes shining, seeing the depth of feeling clearly expressed on Xander's face. It was undoubtedly love. The same expression Spike saw on his own face whenever he caught himself thinking about his lover while brushing his teeth or combing his hair. “I believe.”

~ Mòran taing ~


End file.
